If I had a single flower for every time I think of you, I could walk forever in my garden.
~ Claudia Adrienne Grandi Continue reading “A year ago”
Spending time with the ones who are dear to you is like being in a dream, is it not?
~ Sakura Tsukuba, Land of the Blindfolded, Vol. 3
I’m sitting in the basement of what used to be my home. I have thoughts about going home again; what it means, and maybe more importantly, what it doesn’t mean. I’m not sure I have time or words to explore those thoughts now. I’ll write, and maybe something will weave its way into my words.
The Christmas tree lights are twinkling. Martin (youngest son) and Mere have a beautiful tree. It’s a Norway spruce. M and I planted three Norway spruces on the property here in the Bogs when we first moved in. They were little trees when we planted them. They have grown and grown, and look almost like giants now.
Bo the Dog and Denver the Cat are cuddled up on their bed, taking a winter’s nap. It is difficult to tell them apart, one black furred animal blending into the other black furred animal. They are ridiculously cute. Poor Denver went through a bad illness a few months ago, and had to be brought back to life a couple of times. He looks well now, but he’s not as friendly as he used to be. The vet thinks part of the problem was being at the vet’s, as if it scared him to death.
The Christmas gifts were exchanged and opened on Saturday when our entire little family was gathered here in this basement, around this tree. Mere did a fantastic job of hosting Christmas, and I love the way she decorated the basement. It’s a very light and festive atmosphere, a lot like Mere herself. You might not think light and festive is possible in a basement space, but this space is wide open with large windows and a door that opens out to the backyard where you can walk down the hill to the pond. Mere made it brighter by painting and decorating with bright colors. The look and feel are much different than how it used to be. I like it. I especially like that it is different, that the entire house has a different look and feel to it.
Being with my sons, daughters-in-law, and granddaughters was The Best Christmas Present Ever. My heart expanded and expanded and expanded with love. It amazes me, sometimes, how infinite love can be.
I took pictures, of course. Not a lot, and mostly towards the end of the visit with our granddaughters. We sat in front of the upstairs fireplace in various combinations, trying to fit everyone in. I even handed over the camera so I could be in one of the combinations. I’ll upload them and look at them another day. Right now I prefer to savor the images — what we call memories — in my mind.
M and I will be leaving here soon to join his family (who are, of course, my family, too) for a Christmas feast. Then we’ll go home. Home is on the Eastern Shore, not in the Bogs. I feel that now and, to be honest, it’s a good feeling. I believe I was hanging in limbo there for a while, homesick for the Bogs while trying to nest or settle in at the Wabi-Sabi Ranch. During my last visit to Breezy Acres, I no longer felt I was home, and my spirit seemed to hover between Breezy Acres and the Wabi-Sabi Ranch, neither here nor there. It was not a comfortable place to be.
It’s time for me to put this away, and get ready to leave. I’ll be back to regular blogging soon. Merry Christmas to you and yours. Wishing you peace, joy, loads of love, and the warmth and comfort of feeling at home, no matter where home happens to be.
The Greek word for ‘return’ is nostos. Algos means ‘suffering.’ So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.
~ Milan Kundera, Ignorance
Home is oneness, home is my original nature. It is right here, simply in what is. There is nowhere else I have to go, and nothing else I have to become.
~ Tony Parsons
The beach is not a place to work; to read, write or to think.
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea
The move from Breezy Acres to Back East has been filled with highs, lows, and everything in between. What amazes me is how much has been packed (figuratively and literally) into a short period of time. I know it’s only been two days since we left the Bogs, but it feels like weeks have flown by.
The drive out here, with Izzy and Bella Cats hogging the back seat of the car, was uneventful. The kitties settled down into states of near-panic and stayed frozen for the entire 8.5 hours. Our stops were less frequent than usual for the sake of the cats. It felt wonderful to get out of the car and stretch once we arrived. Izzy and Bella seemed happy at first, too. It turned out to be relief more than happiness.
Bella adjusted rather quickly, but poor Izzy, skittish to begin with, has been terrified. She’s been huddled in a corner of a closet in the master bathroom since we got here. After not eating or drinking for almost 48 hours, I tricked her into having something by opening a can of tuna packed in water, and giving her the water with a little of the fish. It’s her favorite treat, and covered the needs of hydration and nourishment. Izzy has perked up, but continues to nest in the closet. That’s okay. When she’s ready, she’ll venture out. In the meantime, her demeanor has improved, and she’s eating and drinking water normally.
The Drama Llama (let’s call him Rudy ) entered with the movers, and Drama Llama II (Burt) entered the picture when we had the heat pump (our heating and cooling system) inspected today because it does not work.
It took most of yesterday morning to straighten things out, but Rudy was kindly led out of here to graze elsewhere so the movers could begin bringing in our Stuff. Burt (Drama Llama II) may not be so easily banished. Burt will be expensive if it turns out we don’t have a leg to stand on. The Nice People we bought the house and property from failed to disclose certain things, but who knows if that will mean anything? If it means nothing legally, it will mean putting off something else that needs to be done as soon as possible: the kitchen renovation. This kitchen is not made for the kind of cooking I do (actual cooking of whole foods and not just reheating or frying), but we can talk about all that another time.
My own ups and downs and all-arounds have accompanied these things, but now that all our worldly goods are stuffed into the house and the cats have settled down, I’m finding some equanimity . I’m surprised at how quickly that happened. For the first 24 hours or so, I was beginning to question our decision to buy this house, followed by questioning our decision to move. With all the obstacles we had to contend with to purchase this place, I wondered if we had failed to heed the signs and signals. Perhaps we should have backed off at the first inkling of trouble.
I cried over it for a while, letting the tears do their healing thing. And then, when we had the beginnings of our belongings in the house, when Izzy began to eat, when I walked around outside, it began to feel right again.
We are going to have to work hard. I recently read somewhere that the Dali Lama said the answer to life’s problems is in movement. (I cannot find a source for that so please don’t take it as gospel truth. It’s one of those things that stuck in my head, and I could be wrong.) There will be a lot of movement going on Back East. As soon as my computer is up and running, I will be able to show you how much work (movement) will need to be done.
The coming together is going to take a while, but there is a sureness in my gut, in my heart, that it will happen. I know there will be more ups, downs, and all-arounds. That’s life. The key will be finding my own balance and sense of sureness so that the gusty ups, downs, and all-arounds won’t blow me away.
There is always Music amongst the trees in the Garden, but our hearts must be very quiet to hear it.
~ Minnie Aumonier